Wapping M9 v Witham M3 (h)
"Chode Champion vs Skinny Sausage" - by Alex Newman
After a week of thawing out, following the battle of the blizzard, M9s were just about ready for the final clash of the season. The opposition were pushing for promotion. “Let’s send them home in tears” came the message from senior management. Witham had other ideas.
Now, before we get into the action, there are a couple of honourable mentions for two people who have spent all season trying to show the team who’s most worthy of Dick of the Season: In the Red corner, Andy “Juggers” Gill (Vice-Captain and defending Chode Champion); In the Blue corner, wearing his father’s legendary robes, Johnny “Space Cadet” Ellis (Skinny Sausage and the young Challenger). Forget Whyte vs Browne, this was the only big fight of the day!
The bell rang and the Cadet threw the first punch, unveiling his green pocket square and 90s American chinos. Juggers, reeling from such an unexpected onslaught, launched a series of powerful 1-2 combos with his 80s tennis head-band and feminine attitude. Johnny started to stagger, only to reveal this was because he’d been sniffing sherry over lunch; all part of his cunning plan it seemed and victory appeared inevitable. However, a last ditch attempt to snatch victory from the jaws of defeat was not beyond our imperious VC; after all, we still had 70 minutes of hockey and showers to get through before voting time…
The whistle went and we put Witham under pressure immediately, with Ollie Kean and Alex Newman fighting for Top Goalscorer, there was a hunger for goals up top and a discussion was had about not being selfish (led by Robbie Kean himself). Sadly, we couldn’t do anything about Jon 'J-lo' Lowe deciding to graciously put it past Wapping goalkeeper Rik Lodhia himself. Clearly, he thought he was unlikely to receive DoD, given the earlier titanic battle, and wanted to get on the score-sheet (for the first time this season). Two more goals quickly followed and at half-time we found ourselves 3-0 down.
Sweets and a chat later, we were back at it. With a short-corner routine giving us a route back into the game. Keano to Newms at left-slip, straight strike, BOOM! 3-1 and there was hope. 10 in 10 games, a tidy return. Sadly, despite 20 minutes of solid pressure (several golden opportunities for Robbie to put it on a plate for others #DontBeGreedy) the second goal didn’t come and as we pushed further forwards, we were hit twice as the typically robust Morganisation fell apart. 5-1 the final result and Witham promoted. Next year Gents!
Now, back to the important match... Voting started at the Kidd, Johnny took an early 3-1 lead, before Juggers pegged him back to 3-3. The tension in the room was palpable and, as the rest of the team all pick up MoM votes, NASA’s finest reject pulled clear once more to clinch it 6-4. The final, knock-out blow thanks to Johnny spending the entirety of Teas in Women’s Corner, after his girlfriend had kidnapped a helpless child.
MoM: 4 way split – Newms, Wheels, Juggers, Johnny with 2 votes each