Lab Report (draft - not for onward circulation)
Test site: John Orwell Sports CentreT
est date: 13/10/12
Test participants: Wapping 3s v Romford 1s
Test conditions: Promising - slightly overcast, with a light covering of precipitous H2O reducing coefficient of friction between ball and test surface. Test surface in need of repair or replacement (line straightness test = FAIL)
Author: Chief Scientist Austin
Objective: To validate Professor Dungey's formula for success.
Actual Performance = Potential Performance – Process Loss Observations & results:
Observers had gathered in viewing area anxiously awaiting start of test. Test Observer Gavin Morton was noted to have exclaimed that "this was the strongest M3s midfield in living history." Shortly after Test Adjudicator Musto signalled the beginning of the test, Romford 1s dazzled the Wapping M3s forward line, midfield and defence with a mixture of isoseles, equilateral and right-angle triangular ball motion. This resulted in a goal. This directly contradicts Newton's Third Law of Motion given that in this case, every Romford action was not countered by an equal and opposite reaction from Wapping. Reactions in fact from Wapping were not observed at all. Test Observer Gavin Morton was spotted looking sheepish on the sideline with his scientific credibility in tatters. Time: 2 minsScore: 0 - 1Actual Performance = DesperateProcess loss >> Potential Performance
Wapping M3s were observed to slowly increase the pressure (Pressure = Force / Area). Despite the considerable resistive area presented by the Romford XI (of particular note the fat f*uk at centre-back, more on him later), the powerful Wapping M3s started to apply greater levels of force. This increase in pressure saw the return of scoreline equlibrum through a finely struck shot from Harry "Hadron Collider" Elias. Time: 15 minsScore: 1 - 1Actual Performance = PoorProcess loss > Potential Performance
Wapping continued to make it difficult for Romford through effective deployment of Professor Dungey's semenal theory of W-Pressure. This was supported by fine usage of the third dimension by Will "Lunar Orbiter" Neil. Conversely, Tom "Easyjet" Oliver requires further training following a near perfect demonstration of the random nature of particle motion, launching the ball out of the test area. Ad-hoc impact testing concludes that slate roof is not strong enough to resist hockey ball projectile travelling at speed.
Calls of "un-necessaerial", "squaerial" and "hilaerial" were heard from the observation area.
At t = 27 mins Harry Hadron added a second to his tally shortly followed at t = 30 mins by the rarely seen reverse scoop from Test Officer Gio Pericolini.
Time: 35 mins (Half Time)Score: 3 - 1Actual Performance = AverageProcess loss < Potential Performance
Roused by Professor Dungey's half time lecture revisiting some of the finer points of W-Pressure and other theories, the Wapping test participants absorbed Romford's renewed determination in the second half. This led to what appeared to be internal combustion manifesting itself in a number of the Romford participants, including Fatty "Fat F#ck" McF@ck who appeared to overheat through excessive insulation (Ref: 2nd Law of Thermodynamics). This resulted in him relinquishing control of 1. his physical control systems observed by him "falling" into a Wapping player and 2. his vocal chords with involuntary back-chat and expletives.
Fortunately Newton's Third Law returned, with Fat F#ck's outbust being promptly countered with equal and opposite expletives from the neutral Test Adjudicator Musto. Yellow Card followed.
Captain Chris "Massive Pedis" Steele earned himself a yellow card shortly after with a perfectly timed foot block. (Note: Not a typo, the internet assures me pedis is latin for foot)Goals in the second half came from Dave "Design Engineer, no really" Bateman (1) and Chief Scientist Austin (2). Time: 70 minsScore: 6 - 1Actual Performance = Above averageProcess loss