Upminster 4s 2 – Wapping 6s – 8
By an unbiased staff reporter and Editor in Chief Alpha Wolf.
The mighty sixes turned up at a rain soaked Upminster chomping at the bit after a rest game the week before. Paul gave those in his car an extra warm up by parking a mile or so away from the pitch and we had some extra time on the pitch (long enough for a young girl behind the goal to have a near death experience due to some trademark shooting accuracy from Crocker in the warm up) to hone our skills.
The Wapping team was an odd mix of those who claimed to be 7s players and those that claimed to be 5s players (where was all the sixes?) with some old bloke with a dodgy achilles on the comeback trail, the round of names at the beginning was essential. With a change of end Wapping had the first half playing down the famous Upminster hill.
[Editor: I have redacted the paragraph that previously featured here. There was some mention of kittens and how they are fluffy and lovely.]
Wapping were solid at the back in the first half, however chances were at a premium. 10 mins before half time, Giles [Ed: redacted] short corner. A swerving, dipping, almost unsaveable shot from Crocker had the keeper scrambling a save, but could only push the ball into the path of DC on the goal line. Even with DC’s recent form he could not miss from a yard, and he didn’t 1-0 Wapping.
The first half fizzled out with the only other incident of note that the infamous dirty player / umpire abuser, Tim James, got a well deserved green card for his ongoing filthy dissent aimed at the nice man in the pink. The half time team talk was mainly focused on telling Tim to play nice, however there was tension in the air with only a one goal lead.
There need not have been any worry. As the second half started, an aimless through ball from the 25 by DC missed all the Wapping attackers in the box, however it was kicked into the goal by the keeper for an OG. Shamelessly in the manner of an MP and his expenses, the goal was claimed by DC. In truth he had about the same justification as David Iyke [Ed: sic] claiming to be God and worrying about our reptilian leaders. However given the length of his goal drought, which makes Sleeping Beauty look like she was just having a little nap, nobody could blame DC for this cheeky claim.
The floodgates then opened for a brilliant period of 5 goals in 9 minutes. On Wapping’s 2nd short corner, a brilliant one two with the keeper gave Crocker a chance which he calmly slotted. Still nervous from almost killing a five year old, he kept the shot low and true – 3-0. Three goals in about as many minutes from the returning Bateman meant the game was done. A straight stick shot from the top of the D, a reverse stick shot from the top of the D and one other I cant quite remember (to be fair there was a lot of goals, might have been a header?), sealed the quickest hat trick we are likely to see in a while (which made it 6-0). After some more great work from Crocker, Rel’s shot from the top of the D could only be deflected into the path of Bateman. Bateman, not to be greedy, managed to hit tamely against the keeper a couple of times from about 3 yards, however this may have been on purpose as it allowed the ball to roll into the path of Ant Day, who could not miss from 2 yards. There was a suspiciously close goal cuddle from Ant and Bateman, with reach round and everything, before play got going again.
At some point in the goal fest, Tim got his marching orders with a yellow card for the type of filthy language and dissent that would have made John Terry blush. Nobody noticed.
Charity normally begins at home, however so superior were the Wapping team they decided also to bring it away. Olly calmly slotting into an open net from a short corner, for a great OG. This was shortly followed by one of the two young ginger ninjas of Upminster smashing the ball home from a short corner (7-2).
Wapping were not yet done yet, a beautiful lay off from Crocker left Rel unmarked from 5 years. Could he miss? He almost did, but just about saw the ball home to complete the scoring (8-2).
All that was left was one of the biggest travesties of justice since Rylan being kept on the X-factor and the Birmingham Six conviction, with Crocker being shamelessly dispatched from the pitch. Tim tried to complete his card hat trick with some trademark dirty tackling (with able assistance from Penfold), however it wasn’t to be.
MoM – Bateman, with honourable mentions to the hard tackling defensive midfield combo of Penfold and Graham
DoD – Crocker, in the kind of biased vote not seen since a Stalinist show trial
Goals: DC 1, OG 1, Crocker 1 (the winner), Bateman 3 (all pointless goals for show once the match is won – or Desy goals as they are known in the 5s), Ant Day 1, Rel 1.