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Ladies 3rd Team - Match centre

Chelmsford 3
Wapping 3
Sat 18 Nov 10:30 - Essex Women's Hockey League - Premier Division Full time

Four goal phoenix rises after weeks and weeks in the goal-less ashes

Babs basically carried the rest of the team. So also picked up MoM and DoD.

Version 1 by Dad/Babs:

After two consecutive draws, the mighty threes needed a solid win. One of those wins that could be crucial for our league aspirations, and for that we needed a true goal scorer, a hero, a top finisher. Who could that legend of a person be? Who would emerge from the ashes into glory? Step up to the plate and carry the team on their shoulders to victory? We'll have to read on to find out...

The day started with an early trip down to Essex, with the carriages carefully balanced by Holtie who, after studying hard for the knowledge, is finally able to distinguish South London from North London.. well done!

We arrived early enough for HRH to clog up one of her thrones with excessive amounts of royal wee and paper, but of course what else could we expect from someone who completed finishing school at Cheltenham Ladies' College? Thankfully it wasn't a number two otherwise who knows who would have had to be appointed groom of the stool? (I vote for Bucket Throat).

Our coach had only a few words of wisdom prior to the match but what he said worked a treat as we started the game hard and fast, moving the ball around the pitch with clinical precision. Having coach on the sidelines is fantastic.. we get to benefit from his wisdom throughout the game and we get to look at his knitted mittens for 70 minutes... if that's not a treat I don't know what is...they definitely looked warm.

With Henny, Dudley, Holtie and Shalls wisely controlling the middle and Big Jess using her imposing size to run through them like a bulldozer, we managed to open their defence up like a knife through soft butter (not the cheap vegetable oil blend though - HRH wouldn't have it) Ruadhwadhaedhadan and Princess ran them rugged often hitting the baaaaaaaase line to make Big Jess proud - but of course the real star emerged soon into the first half, slotting home a beautiful ball from close range into the backboard with poise, elegance and strength - yeah that's right you've probably guessed it - Babs The Phoenix has risen from the dad/dod ashes and set the tone...

The defence did well under quite a lot of pressure with Gandalf having remembered to close the gate in the warm up, Roche and Krelle starting off those excellent goal scoring opportunities from the back. Sandrina saved an amazing short corner on the line before she decided to take half her knee off in an attempt to shed some extra weight to keep up with her nippy (tiny) wing.

Vicky kept us in the game with good saves although one excellently placed short corner unfortunately made its way to the backboard. 1-1

So who had to step it up? Well of course the hero of the day - Wonder Woman I mean.. Babs with another clinical finish from a well placed ball by Holtie. Did I mention it was the second goal for Babs?

We kept moving the ball beautifully and after an amazing bit of champagne hockey which saw the ball rapidly travelling from left defence to attacking right, Princess Marvs crossed in a fantastic ball for .... wait.... BABS to finish first time into the roof of the net - yeah that's right a beautiful deflection into the roof of the goal... by Babs...
The oppo scored again not long after but the goal wasn't as memorable as Babs's third goal

We continued attacking and creating chances - Babs had a one on one with the keeper which somehow ended up in the keeper being worried about her fertility and Princess had another one on one which ended up with the future queen being slide tackled off her throne... but wait for it... Babs scored another goal, a cheeky deflection off a very wide attempt on goal by HRH Princess Marvs, who unfortunately is still yet to score on the pitch this season....

The game ended 4-2
Goal scorers:
... there are rumours that Babs may be behind the ladies' twos goals as well.
MoM: do you even have to ask? Babs the Phoenix Lo Giudice
DoD: fuelled by ageism and profound jealousy, Babs (and for her crotch height lob)

As second with most votes for DoD, HRH Marvs stepped up for the pint off - it was so quick that people didn't have the chance to record it or even see it - blink and you miss it - and it was won by Babs (of course another goal for her)

Version 2 by HRH Marvs:

Like every great classic, there is a beginning, middle and end.... unlike when Bella Bucket Throat does it and subjects us to an egotistic autobiographical prologue.

Beginning :
We all trundled off to sunny Chelmsford in the banter wagons. The warm up can only be described as a cross country iron man-esque jog, run by our very own fitness guru, Ruadhan. And once the stretches came around, the inevitable screech from Capt. Roche 'this is the best stretch everrrr'. Sigh, the team obliges to keep her happy. So with mud strewn hands we get psyched up for the game.

Super strong start from the team, and we make a break early by, yep you guessed it, running the baaaaase lineeee. The goalie made a good stop but Prinny Marvs was quick to react to the rebound and sent the ball trundling towards the goal ... which Babs tapped in (you'll soon see a theme). The oppo quickly equalised with a short corner routine we could only admire.

We decided to pick it up and there was some super runs by Henny, Ruadhan, Dudley, BBT and Holtie, feeding the D. Roche smashed some great (weighted) balls down the line and defence were looking solid with their transfer and Vicky making some toe tingling saves. Guess who got the 2nd goal in.. yep Babs. BBT had some great clean tackles which the team were trying not to look too surprised at. However this obviously got the better of Sandy and Roche who decided to throw themselves to the floor, causing Sandy to need a blood transfusion, who knew a knee could bleed so much?

Some nice play up front resulted in some short corners won by BJ, Babs and Shalls. Prinny made a dynamic run into the D and passed a perfect ball across to Babs, who tapped it in again. Defence were defending valiantly with Sandy saving a short corner on the line and Prinny went very ladylike ass over tit after getting rugby tackled by their goalie. The oppo got another goal, 3-2, now time for the last push. Prinny fired the ball across goal, heading straight to the far corner, 'twas poetry. Oh.... wait..... what's this? Babs bundles into the picture, sticks her stick out and taps it in for her fourth goal of the day... greedy much.

DoD - Babs (obvs for stealing multiple goals, having tap-ins and claiming she did everything)
MoM - Babs (Suppose she did score a few)

Dictionary definition of 'to steal' - to take or carry away something which belongs to someone else

Book your OPRO mouth guard day!

Team selection

Team selection has not been published for this fixture yet.

League round up

Other Premier Division results

Basildon 2
Colchester 3
Upminster 2


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League table

# Team Pl Pts
1. Wapping 3 17 44
2. Crostyx 2 14 27
3. Southend 2 4
4. Basildon 2 2 4
5. Upminster 2 3 3
6. Wapping 4 4 3
7. Witham 4 3

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